


Five Times Diego Rodriguez Almost Caused A Teacher To Quit and the Last Time He Tried That

by LittleMissLiesmith



Series: The Better The Lives We Lead [7]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: All of the above are tumblr OCs, Gen, The Strex Family - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 13:27:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2549165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissLiesmith/pseuds/LittleMissLiesmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pretty much exactly as advertised.</p><p>For Mooney.</p><p>WILL BE EDITED TO FIT NEW HOM CANON BY JULY. I PROMISE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Diego Rodriguez Almost Caused A Teacher To Quit and the Last Time He Tried That

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AstraKiseki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstraKiseki/gifts).



> Will write oneshots for free, for drawings, for favors. Or apparently for pun sex memes, because that’s why I’m writing this one.
> 
> I’m…not sure when this takes place. The current year, I assume, before Isadoro left.

I. The Time With Jeopardy

Saoirse Kelly had been working at DBPA for all of two days and was beginning to get really sick of Diego Rodriguez.

He had, thus far, managed to annoy her at least twice every day—once by asking if asexual meant she was a nun, once by insisting he could fly and jumping off the desk repeatedly for a solid ten minutes, once by bringing a black cape and white mask to class and jumping on his chair to shriek “I’M HERE, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!” (although Luciano showed up to put a stop to that one fairly quickly), and once to insist that he was enrolled in the wrong class and try to get Miss to switch him to Pottery.

Today he was humming Jeopardy.

Saoirse sighed and thunked her head down on the desk. “Diego Rodriguez, knock it off!” she shrieked. “We are taking a pretest!”

“I think you’re the one shouting,” he said smugly before humming all the louder.

Saoirse groaned and turned her head to the side so she was staring at the clock. “Stop it. Now. Or go to the Headmasters.”

Diego grinned and hummed even louder.

“That’s it, mister! _Headmaster Ricardo! Now!_ ”

Diego stopped humming long enough to gather his things and Saoirse sighed in relief.

That was, until he started walking very slowly towards the door, humming the _Bridge on the River Kwai_ theme.

“Aaargh!” Saoirse turned her head to face Miss. “Teaching was a mistake,” she said unhappily. “I should’ve gone into law.”

II. The Time In Latin

Isadoro Ramon lived above the strip club.

This was basically one of his defining traits to the students and faculty of DBPA. Isadoro Ramon loved Roman culture beyond belief, spoke like he was straight out of Asgard, and lived above the King’s Ransom strip club in town.

He, like so many before him, was also sick and tired of Diego Rodriguez’s entire existence.

“Rodriguez,” he said pleasantly, laying down the essay in front of the boy, “what, pray tell, did you intend?”

Diego looked at it and shrugged. “You said we had to write an essay. I wrote an essay. I even wrote it on the assigned topic.”

Isadoro’s smile widened. “Yes. Well, you see, this is an advanced placement Latin course. You surely have studied enough Latin courses prior to now to know exactly how one writes in Latin.”

“Of course.”

“So why, pray tell, is this entire essay _in Spanish_?!”

“It’s _Weird_ Spanish,” Diego corrected, sounding affronted. “And the answer to that is ‘because I can write in Weird Spanish too, and I wanted to do so’.”

Isadoro’s smile was strained. “I would appreciate it immensely,” he hissed, “if you were to cease and desist these childish games and turn in your essay correctly by tomorrow. And I expect an extra two pages.”

Diego sighed and pulled out the assignment sheet. “Where does it say the essay has to be in Latin?”

“Where does—it is a _Latin_ course! It says so at the top of the page!” Isadoro shrieked, jamming his finger into the words.

“But does it say anywhere in the instructions that the essay has to be in Latin and not Weird Spanish?”

“It is a given fact that in a Latin course you will write your essays in Latin!”

“I’ve learned not to do anything that isn’t in the instructions.”

“No! This is a _Latin course!_ It is to be taken for granted that your essays will be written in _proper Latin_!”

“Mr. Ramon, I haven’t taken anything for granted since I was five and took for granted that my sister wouldn’t kill my fish while I was at camp as revenge for stealing her dress.”

Isadoro looked at him for a moment. “I need to quit drinking,” he muttered. “And perhaps teaching.”

Diego grinned.

III. The Time With The Recorder

Luciano Silva’s defining trait, to most students and faculty, was his love of music.

This love of music did not extend to whatever the hell it was Diego Rodriguez was doing.

“Explain yourself,” he said, stalking over to Diego’s seat.

He looked up innocently. “I’m finishing my test,” he said, pointing down to the “Music History” exam.

“Yes. But why do you have a recorder and why are you playing ‘Hot Cross Buns’ and ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb?’”

“I can stop.”

“Do that.”

Diego grinned and proceeded to begin a note-perfect recorder rendition of _My Heart Will Go On_.

“If you do not stop it this instant—“ Luciano began.

“You’ll what?” Diego pulled a copy of the DBPA Student Handbok out of his pocket and handed it over. “Find the section on musical instruments during exams.”

Luciano snatched it out of his hand and began leafing through. Diego smirked.

Five minutes later the music teacher threw it down on his desk and huffed.

“Told you so.”

Luc stormed back to his desk as Diego picked up the recorder again. “I need a raise or a severance pay,” he moaned, slamming his head down on it.

IV. The Time With Crayons

Eidyia hated teaching comp sci.

The point of being a librarian was that the extent of her teaching was “this is where you find the books on the Renaissance and this is where you find the fiction”; she much preferred to spend her time reorganizing things in interesting patterns, hanging up posters, and generally making sure no one could find anything ever.

Teaching comp sci rather took away from that.

And then there was the fact that Diego Rodriguez seemed determined to drive her to drink.

“Eidy,” he called out during one exam, “my eyes are hurting.”

She sighed and went over. “Really?”

He nodded, blinking owlishly. It was a legitimate excuse; the family history of mydriasis meant that if either of the twins complained of being unable to see the screen, she had to cater to them. She hated it immensely.

“What do you need, then?” she asked with a sigh.

“Physical copy of the test.”

At least the request was reasonable for once. She booted up her computer, printed out a copy of the test, and set it down on his desk.

Ten minutes later he handed it in. She only had to take a glance to see why he had asked for a physical copy.

“Diego,” she said, very calmly under the circumstances. “Did you do this entire test in hot pink crayon?”

Diego grinned and nodded. “Everyone else is doing it on the computer. I wanted to have fun too.”

Eidyia sighed and ran a hand over the lower half of her face. “I wonder how much my sister makes at the other school and if they need any help…”

 

V. The Time With Cheerleaders

Adrian Colt was not an unreasonable man. But his reasonableness did have its limits.

Those included the antics of one Diego Rodriguez. Namely, the fact that he seemed bound and determined to mess up everything in every way possible. Adrian couldn’t even count the number of times he had derailed a lesson last year, and he seemed determined to break the record.

Especially since he brought cheerleaders.

“Rodriguez!”

Diego slowed to a halt, stopped jogging, and grinned. “Yeah?”

Adrian pointed to the pyramid stack ten yards away shouting out cheers. “Why are there cheerleaders?”

“I needed motivation! I’m not a sporty person! Also, they’re cute.” He waved.

“…Aren’t you gay?”

“Extremely. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate that the girls are cute.” He grinned. “And apparently they think the same about me. That’s the Pine Cliffs cheer squad.”

Adrian stared at Diego for a moment, looked over at the cheerleaders, and slowly pulled out a hip flask, taking a long drink. “This isn’t even allowed,” he commented, “but somehow I don’t think anyone’s going to mind.” He headed back to his space supervising the field as Diego began running again and the girls continued to cheerlead, pulling his phone out. “Chris? It’s me. What’s the severance pay here?”

 

I. The Time With The Eye

Sereno Blackwood had had it up to _here_ with the Rodriguez twins.

Divina was alright; or at the very least, she wasn’t nearly so bad as her brother, who overshadowed all else in the causing-trouble department. Today this was taking the form of harassing anyone unfortunate enough to decide to sit next to him as he methodically tore pages out of his notebook.

Sereno sighed, got up from his desk, and walked over to Diego’s, expression pure calm. “Diego Rodriguez, if you would knock it off?” he asked, annoyed.

“Mm…nah,” Diego said with a grin, picking up the worksheet given out, ripping it up like confetti, and tossing it at Sereno. “Merry Christmas!” he announced loudly.

Sereno sighed and put his face in his hand. After a moment, Diego tapped his elbow. “Mr. Blackwood, can I have another worksheet? I lost mine,” he said with an angelic smile.

“Rodriguez, I’m warning you now,” Sereno said. “I have my eye on you.” He handed Diego the worksheet. “Try that again and you’ll regret it.”

“You’ve got your eye on me? How cliché can you get?” Diego ripped the worksheet into a dozen pieces and tossed them onto Sereno again. “Happy Easter, can I have another worksheet?”

“I warned you,” Sereno said.

“About?”

The teacher sighed and reached up.

It was a little known fact that Sereno Blackwood had a glass eye. He managed to get it to do as he pleased on a regular basis and it was hardly noticeable; especially behind his thick glasses.

He yanked the glasses off, tossed them to the side (they landed harmlessly in Kevin Jathis’s braid where he was sleeping on the desk), yanked out the glass eye and slammed it down on Diego’s desk.

Diego went white as a sheet, looked at the eye, looked at Sereno, looked at the eye again, and let out a high-pitched, terrified scream.

Sereno grinned. “I warned you.”

Within moments Diego was out the door, down the hall, and racing back to his dorm room.

It would be the last time he actively tried to get a teacher fired.


End file.
